Chapter 5

Kevin has finally come back after a particularly long absence. He seems excited and bouncy for some reason, and after dinner, I finally find out why. The paperback volume he holds out to me is old and battered, but I hardly dare touch it, so precious is it to me:

'The Princess Bride'

I had mentioned this book as my favorite ever, and now he went and got it for me. I don't even care how he got it, but... He got it. For me. Because he knew I loved it.

I slump down onto the cot, carefully holding the book against my chest, and look up at Kevin wide-eyed, hardly seeing him through the rising tears. He frowns in concern and kneels down in front of me; for a moment it seems as if he wants to reach out for me, but then he waves his hand in a confused, questioning way, palms up.

I smile through my tears, shaking my head. "It's alright... I just... oh you have no idea..." I look down at the book again, caress its cover. "Thank you."

When he smiles his face is lit from within, and my heart hurts for what his parents have taken from him.

He gestures for me to read, so I wipe off my tears, settle into a comfortable position on the cot, and begin with the introduction: "This is my favorite book in all the world, though I have never read it... "

I read the whole book that night, and Kevin is a wonderful audience. Again he is sitting on the floor and leaning against the bars, but this time inside the cage. He is sitting utterly still, but whenever I glance up from the pages, I can see in his eyes how much he enjoys the story.

"...But I also have to say, for the umpty-umpth time, that life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all."

I don't know why, but I feel melancholy when the book ends and I just stare at the last words, until suddenly Kevin is standing next to me to take the dinner tray from my cot.

I touch his arm, squeezing it gently. "Thank you. I enjoyed tonight... a lot."

On an impulse I lean forward to press a kiss to his smooth cheek, and for the first time I am close enough to him to smell... Oh, what is this? It's like a combination of citrus and spices... something warm and sunny... I realize that I haven't pulled back, that Kevin is looking at me wide-eyed, but all I can think is, He smells good enough to eat, and all I can look at are his cupid's lips, parted oh-so-invitingly...

I lean in again, turning my head just this much, and...

Oh.

So incredibly soft...

My eyes fly open--when did I close them?--as Kevin abruptly shrinks back. He's now sitting next to me, hands gripped into fists at his sides, shaking his head, but it seems more to clear it than in negation. His blue eyes burn into mine; my inner voice is shrieking at me but I can hardly hear it over the wild beating of my heart.

His eyes, which can be so cold and empty, now reveal everything to me: his longing, hope and need, but also his uncertainty, fear and pain.

"Don't you know that I am yours?" I whisper, taking his hand into mine, brushing his fingers over the fading letters adorning my arm:

His eyes follow his hand before they search mine again. So close...

Something flickers in his eyes, and abruptly he pushes me back, stands and flees the cell.

I blink, shocked about what just happened between us and confused about Kevin's sudden retreat. Questions are tumbling over each other inside my head as I watch him ignore me, turning off the lights before he retreats to his room, eyes firmly on the floor all the time. I want to scream at him, demand an explanation, but all that escapes my tight throat is a single word:

"Kevin?"

I don't care that my voice is pleading and full of pain and confusion, that I am standing gripping the metal bars so hard my knuckles stand out white. All I care about is to get something from him, any inkling that he is or isn't angry with me, any hint at what it was I did or said wrong...

Kevin freezes when he hears my voice, and after long moments slowly looks up, but I can barely see his eyes behind his glasses in the dark. He sighs wearily, reaches up to take off his glasses and rubs his eyes. Glasses still in hand, he crosses the distance between us, making my heart beat faster. I have to suppress my desire to reach out to him as he stops on the other side of the bars, afraid that he would flee my touch. Kevin's left hand rises, and for a moment I foolishly hope he might... but then it closes around another bar, at a safe distance so it won't touch mine. There is no anger in his eyes, but the pain and loneliness and longing are still there, and they cut straight into my heart, his sad, resigned smile taking away my breath.

"Kevin..."

He gently shakes his head, and all I can do is watch with tears in my eyes as he puts his glasses back on and leaves, closing the door behind him.

I slide down to the floor shaking, more confused than ever, only knowing that somehow I caused him pain, and that I'd give anything if I could turn back the clock and undo it.

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