Chapter 6

I sigh, curling up against the soft cushion and idly contemplating if I should get up or let myself fall back asleep again. It's the noises and voices that roused me from my deep sleep... I frown, trying to work out what is bothering me about the sounds I hear, but drift off again before I can give it any further thought. It's so nice to just lie there under the soft covers, feeling the sunshine on me...

What?!

My eyes fly open, my head jerks up, and for a moment I think I'm going crazy as I stare at my surroundings. No bars, no kitchenette... just a bedroom.

My bedroom.

I look down at myself--I'm still wearing the same clothes as that fateful night, and my shoes lie next to the bed. My mind is reeling. It did happen once or twice before that I went home and slept in my clothes because I was too tired to even undress... For a moment I am almost relieved.

It was all just a dream... it must have been! And yet... The memories... they are so clear in my head!

And there is one particular memory that even now sends heat coursing through my veins, and a blush of shame into my cheeks. Irresistibly, my eyes are drawn to the inside of my arm.

Oh... God.

They are there, faint, but still visible:

I stare at the scars, trying to comprehend what this means, trying to think clearly through the fog clouding my brain.

The last thing I remember before waking up here is lying curled up on the floor of my cell in Kevin's apartment. I must have fallen asleep eventually, and somehow Kevin must have brought me here... the window is open; did he carry me up the fire escape? But how could he get me here without waking me? He must have drugged me! That's why my head feels like it's wrapped in cotton.

And that realization is followed by another one.

He sent me away!

But didn't you want that? my inner voice asks, exasperated.

I did... But not like this, not... I thought... I blink back the tears that are rising in my eyes. I don't know what I thought.

Before I have time to examine my feelings further, I hear my doorbell ring, and a voice calling my name.

"Are you there, darling? You better open that door right now or I'll kick it in, and then I'll come kick your ass!"

I can't help a smile. Gail, who else? But my smile falters - I will need to explain my absence to my friends. How many days has it been anyway? And I better not let them see the scars. Quickly I slide out of my clothes and into my nightgown, while Gail pounds on my door and starts counting back from ten.

"All right, I'm coming!" I run to the door, taking a second to make sure I look like I've only just woken.

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It's late in the evening when I finally have some peace and quiet - or quiet at least, as I certainly don't feel peaceful. In fact, I don't feel anything as I look around my apartment. I feel strangely out of place; it's as if my feelings have been amputated, or they disappeared under all the acting I just did in front of my friends. They had of course noticed my sudden absence, and when Gail had seen my open bedroom window, she'd come immediately to see if I was all right. One by one, they'd all come in from their shifts, while others left again as theirs began. I had dropped hints of a sudden family emergency, sorry I couldn't call - you know... I was careful not to go into too many details, let them fill in the blanks, and they seemed content with it, knowing I didn't like to talk about my family, but that I kept in touch with a few cousins.

Gail hadn't been convinced, but when I told her, "Look, if you'd rather hear a story about how I was kidnapped by some guy who kept me in a jail cell in his apartment, didn't want anything from me other than that I read him some books, and then just let me go, I can sure tell you that!" she'd relented.

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

And now I am alone, and again I look around me - I always liked that this apartment was quite spacious, but now it seems too big, too empty, too silent. I sigh and decide to take a bath, which usually helps me to relax.

I sink into the hot water with a sigh, but even though it relaxes the tension in my back, tension from all the pretending while the girls had been here, it can't help to loosen my mind. I sit in the tub, knees hugged against my chest, blindly staring into the water, suddenly noticing that I'm shivering. Blinking, I realize that the water has turned cold.

But that's impossible--surely I wasn't in here that long! How could I have lost track of time like this?

With a resigned sigh, I get out of the tub and pull the stopper. Might as well try and get some sleep if I am dreamwalking anyway.

But as soon as my head hits the pillow, I am... not really awake, but also not really tired enough to fall asleep. Probably the drug Kevin gave me to knock me out is messing with my system, I tell myself. Maybe a cup of that herbal tea Nancy gave me will help.

Nightgown draped around me against the night breeze, I sit on the windowsill, knees hugged to my chest, staring up at the moon as I sip the surprisingly good hot tea.

I had been touched by how many of the girls had come by to tell me how happy they were to find me safe, but a part of me had just wanted them to leave me alone, to leave me in peace so I could think.

And now I sit here thinking, alone like I had wanted to be, yet feeling hollow and lonely. I am wondering how Kevin knew where exactly I lived--I had told him my name, true, but otherwise had only made a brief mention of the view out of my bedroom window. And how he'd drugged me... I'd probably never know. But these questions all pale in comparison to the one which won't let go of me, and which I can't find an answer to.

"Why, Kevin? Why did you bring me back?" The moon holds its counsel, and with an exasperated sigh I lean back my head against the window frame, closing my eyes.

You must have known... and yet you brought me back. Didn't just let me go, but brought me back... as if you wanted to make sure I'd be gone... that you would be rid of me for good.

Rejected. Unwanted. Is that it?

With a string of curses I fling the almost empty teacup out of my window, releasing all the anger, pain and disappointment that I'd held on to since I'd woken up this morning in a loud scream. A cat screeches as the cup shatters on the fire escape, pieces raining down onto the street.

Curse you! And curse me for thinking... No, my inner voice was right; you're not good for me. One day I'll tell the girls about it and it'll make a good story, nothing more. Thank you for bringing me back here, back to my senses.

A wave of exhaustion sweeps over me after my sudden outburst, and I quite literally stumble into my bed. Soon I feel myself drifting off, and I'm in that almost-sleeping state when I faintly hear a voice that seems to drift in the open window. It is singing, and somehow the melody is familiar.

Such an angelic voice...

A single tear escapes before sleep takes me.

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